User blog:HeadmasterFelix/Alpha!Dave Journal Number Umpteen
Hey baby bro, Here's another entry for you. I really hope that my goal of letting you know who the fuck I am through these letters works. This time I have some actually useful information, though. Ever since I got involved with the dream bubble, the Horn Pile they call it, I've found myself spending a lot of time sleeping just so I can be there. At first it was relaxing, and I felt like I was getting some real insight into the motivations of the Batterwitch and thus insight into how to better undermine her efforts. Now, though, I think it might be doing more harm than good. It reminds me of how much of my life I will never experience, and of all the things I want and can never have. It's also ended up putting a much greater burden on me. I don't know what the fuck it is about me, but I have this incessant need to take care of people, and to connect with people. I've found myself looking after a mute Troll. He used to be a slave, and I think part of the abuse he went through was being forced to act like a child. He's got to be around 20 but everything about his demeanor is childlike. Well, except his constant drive for sex. There are a few more people too that I just want to take under my wing and make sure they never have to suffer again. It's taking a lot out of me. Maybe I should give it up? Since I'm writing this in the hopes that it will find it's way into the hands of the baby brother that doesn't even exist yet, I'll save you most of the dirty details. Here's a list some of the people I've made allies of. I think that if you ever meet them they'll be your allies too. Calcus - She's an orange-blooded troll with a penchant for math and a really great heart. I would consider her my best totally platonic friend in the pile, even though we're not exactly close. At the time that I'm writing this, she's engaged to a guy named Morull. I hope their marriage has gone well. Morull - He's olive-blooded I think, and he's a genius with machines. He's also really attractive, and I change my mind frequently about whether he annoys the fuck out of me or I want to be really good friends with him. He's loyal as fuck, too, and something tells me he really knows his way around a weapon. Anelie - This chick is a teal blooded troll but she doesn't seem infected with the CRAZY that most of them have. She's super fucking shy, but maybe she'll have overcome this by the time you meet her, if you meet her. Anyway, she's really sweet but she startles really easily. Tread lightly around her. I'm not sure that she could help you with much - I haven't been able to discern any skills of hers or anything, but I really like her and I definitely know that she's the way to Calcus's heart. She and Cal are moirails. I pray to a god I don't even believe in that you have no idea what that means, but I get the feeling the Batterwitch will have all you kids knowing about that shit. Karkat Vantas - There are several of these, it turns out. One of them is a rather ordinary-seeming male troll, close to my age as I'm writing this. He and I are involved, although not exclusively. I have really strong feelings for him, but he's not around a lot and I think our connection just leaves me feeling more lonely because I feel his absence so keenly. The second is the mute that I mentioned earlier. He's very short and childlike. The third is an albino human, much like myself and like I worry you will be. He's from Earth, grew up around Rose's area. He's a cool guy and I like him a lot even though I don't know him that well. The fourth is blind and I really like him, but I'm worried about getting too close to him because I can feel some romantic feelings budding. The fifth wears a skirt and the sixth is married to a male version of Jane Crocker. The first through fourth are people I have made friends with. They're all pretty quick to anger, some of them more than most, but they all have an eye for right and wrong and a desire to see justice. They're also all big softies inside, but don't ever call them out about that. Gamzee Makara - This guy is pretty cool. I don't know him well, but I figure I should mention him since we both have a hand in taking care of the mute Karkat Vantas. Also, he's sort of the boss of the dream bubble. I have no idea what this guy does. If I ever find out I'll include it in another entry. I think there are more people I should be mentioning here but my brain is so clouded that I just can't place them. I'll write again if I remember. I hope this reaches you, lil bro. I have this terrible, sinking feeling that I'm only able to access this dream bubble because I'm already dead, I just don't know it. It's probably just paranoia or fear or god, maybe it's just wishful thinking. I'm not going to give up until I know I'm dead but... sometimes I just feel so tired. I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to die. I wonder if my husband will join me. I wonder if we'll be able to have a ghost baby or two and finally live the life we want together. Or I wonder if I'm already living that un-life, unknowingly dead and fighting a Batterwitch that doesn't exist for the rest of my miserable fucking eternity. I think maybe that kind of hell would be exactly what I deserve, and I think it might be exactly what I'm getting. Category:Blog posts Category:Journal entries Category:Fanfiction